Feeling Like a Mommy

Earlier this month, I celebrated my first Mother's Day. We started the celebration on the Friday before Mother's Day. Dan arranged for his parents to babysit Dylan while we went out to a nice seafood dinner. I hadn't been out to a restaurant since little Dylan was born, so it was a treat for me. It was a combination birthday/anniversary/Mother's Day/Date Night. I was still healing and recovering from childbirth for my birthday in April, and we didn't make it out to dinner for our seven year anniversary at the beginning of May. Dan knew I was becoming extremely stir crazy and he wanted to commemorate all these very important events this year. We made all the preparations. Dylan had a shower and we worked to schedule his feedings so that he would be happy, fed, and sleeping for Dan's parents. We packed a diaper bag full of all the things Dylan might need "just in case." We dropped a sleeping Dylan off at the parents' place, chatted with the parents for a little bit, then excused ourselves because we weren't sure how long it would be until Dylan woke up, or what mood he would be in when he did. We drove to the restaurant and had a wonderful tastey meal. I made a conscious effort to not look at the the time or call Dan's parents even once the whole time we were out. Yes, the main topic of dinner conversation was Dylan, but it was pleasant conversation and we were not fretting too much about him. Dan and I had a delicious and relaxing dinner together. When we returned to Dan's parents' house, Dylan was still sleeping. Success!

On Mother's Day Sunday, my parents came down to our house to visit. They wanted to play with Dylan and maybe give Dan and I some time to ourselves. Instead, Dan decided to make the day a great Mother's Day for both my mom and me. He cleaned the house, went grocery shopping, cooked up lunch, barbecued dinner, washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen afterward. My parents had a blast cuddling and playing with Dylan and taking pictures every time he changed position or made a face. It was a great day.

The question I was asked most often about my first Mother's Day was, "Do you feel like a Mommy?" Strangely, my answer was, "No." The whole experience of New Mommyhood has been very surreal.

I have been mulling over my feelings with Dan since we were recovering in the hospital after Dylan was born. Sure, it was a great relief to hear Dylan's first cry after he was born. It's a fact that indeed, my life did drastically change at that moment. But there was no lightning crack and angelic music playing and floaty little sparkly specks of light in the air and a magical poof that brought me to tears. Somehow, it felt a little like someone had dropped off this little baby for us to take care of for a little while, and they would be back soon to pick him up. Don't get me wrong, Dan and I both loved the new experience of learning about swaddling and diaper changes and trying to figure out what all the strange baby noises meant. We both thought right away that Dylan was the cutest baby we had ever seen. We just felt a little detached, at first.

There are a couple of primary factors that likely contributed to this almost anti-climatic feeling. First, we had been trying to start a family for a very long time. It was something we expected and eagerly anticipated. We felt as emotionally ready as any new parent can be. We proactively took the Childbirth and New Baby Care classes, read the research and asked the doctors questions. Second, we observed and marveled at the many friends and family who made the transition from Couple to Family. We watched the adults grow and change as interactive and doting parents and the babies turn into healthy, intelligent toddlers and children. We barraged our friends and family with questions about their successes and hardships of parenthood and raising children. The addition of Baby Dylan to our family was everything we had hoped for and more.

After some contemplating about these feelings, I have come to the conclusion that this experience has been like falling in love. When I first met Dylan at the hospital, I thought he was the Most Beautiful Baby Boy in the World. I loved his soft hair, his olive skin, his long limbs and his big, round eyes. He was perfect and healthy and I wanted to do what I could to make him happy. When I brought him home, I started learning about his funny quirks, antics and facial expressions. I enjoyed firguring out what made him tick. As he is becoming more and more aware of himself and the world around him, he often becomes overwhelmed and sometimes scared. He is learning about new startling noises and gas pain in his belly. Now, I can comprehend that I am the one he turns to for comfort and protection from pain and potential (even if they are just perceived) dangers. I have that heartbreak when he is upset about being overtired, being overstimulated or having gas pain in his belly. As his personality emerges, I am emotionally tied to him. I am sad when he is sad and I cannot seem to help him. I am happy when he is happy. When I hold him in my arms, I tell him that we are here to take care of each other and we can make it through anything together.

I feel more like a Mommy every day. I have most definitely fallen in love.